“So tell me, what’s been good?”

This is the question I ask from all my clients when they return to their therapy appointments. Instead of engaging in a problem talk and asking about the things that are not going so well, I encourage my clients to think hard about what are some of those things that are going well and are positive. Whether it’s been a nice message from a friend, lovely walk in nature, or something more significant like a promotion or a well earned exotic holiday, there’s always something that has been good.

And by doing this, I am not trying to avoid the fact that problems exist as we all know they do, I do it because as a society and individuals we do it too much already. Whether it’s watching the news we’ve been bombarded with 24/7 or engaging in a problem talk with friends, family, or colleagues – we do that too much already and more often that not, it’s not that helpful. When we are engaging in problem talk, it’s so much more difficult to access our intellectual and creative part of the brain that is amazing with finding solutions and problem solving. We also know that thinking negatively increases the production of stress hormones which can have a negative impact both on our physical and mental health. It is found that on average a person can have anywhere between 12 000 – 60 000 thoughts per day, of those approximately 80% are negative and 95% are exactly the same repetitive thoughts as the day before. So, why do we do that? Why do we often find ourselves thinking and talking about things that keep us stuck, make us feel worse and stressed, and gives us no hope?

Our brains were designed in a way that keeps us safe, to make sure that there’s no threat and danger around, and if we detect anything that may potentially harm us we better act and react immediately to guarantee our chances of survival. It’s a very strong primitive response that serves us well when we are in the middle of an emergency situation, however, it’s not that useful when trying to run our daily lives. Most of us don’t just want to survive, we want to thrive.

We can do little bit more of the latter by incorporating more positive introspection into our daily lives. When we think about the things that have been going well or better, we are having to use our intellectual part of the brain and in the process are switching off from that more primitive part of the brain that is concerned with our survival. As a result, our brains are producing beneficial neurotransmitters, which leaves us feeling good, more resilient, and better equipped when difficult situations do rise.

So next time, when meeting up with someone, instead of asking ‘How you’ve been?’ try ‘What’s been good?’ instead and notice, what difference it will make to you and the person you’re speaking to.

Doris Luha

Recruiter, therapist & wellbeing coach